Vital life lesson

Today we have learnt something v important. 

Namely, 2 slices of Nutella on toast isn't quite enough. 4 is too many. Blurgh!

April's Little Loves

Bit premature, seeing as it's still March, but bear with me. This is going to be 7 little things I'm excited about and 7 little things I'm going to achieve over the next 30 days. 

So. Exciting things coming my way in April:

1. Moving into the new house next week!! This is exciting for many reasons but mainly because my older sister is coming down to help with the move and I only see her once every 12-18m. Yay!

2. I turn 32 on Easter Sunday and can drink wine again. (Aargh this is probably the most exciting thing on the list. What a loser.)

3. Road trip to Edinburgh with Crazy Sister and Nana. Niece is coming along due to her absolute refusal to drink milk from anywhere but Crazy Sister's norks. I suggested no less than 12 different ideas for solving this issue, all of which were suggested in PLENTY of time, none of which my sister bothered to try. 'Twas meant to be a weekend of shows, shopping, eating hot meals in fancy restaurants... I give in. Still, exciting!!

4. Baby turns 1!!! Can't even articulate how mental that feels. With Toddler we were just elated to have kept him alive for so long, this time round we're genuinely confused as to where those 12 months have disappeared to? Maybe it's coz we're older now. Huh!

Party bags and decoration committee aside, this is also exciting because Bristol-Girl is driving up for the weekend especially and I adore her so much it hurts. I get an inexplicable urge to squeeze her tightly whenever she's within squeezing distance. Nom!! 

5. For my birthday I'm asking for something off my Spring list. I don't know what yet but the fact that I have a bonafide reason to ask for pretty things without feeling guilty is terribly exciting. Woo birthdays. 

(Am struggling now, come on April, what else you got??)

Hmm...

Ooh I know,

6. A trip to Shrewsbury with Eco-Mum and little mouse to swop some breastfeeding clothes (her) and eat yummy food without taking anyone to the loo mid-meal (me!) What fun!

7. A supper/jewellery party with the girls. This is both an excuse to show off my new house and raise money for Cancer Research. Must really sort out some details for that or before I know it people will be arriving and I'll be serving 4 breadsticks. Will add it to the ever-increasing list of 'Things I will turn my attention to once I've dealt with all the house-moving shit'. I'm not looking forward to that list much!

Ok. 7 things I'm going to achieve. 

1. I am going to get rid of that bastard plastic garage. I hate it so much. It will get lost in the move!

2. I will unpack every packing box in one long weekend. I bloody will. The mere thought of it not happening is making me twitch in anticipation. Urgh!

3. I am going to manage a weekend run. That's 2 I've missed now and it just makes me feel crappy. I really need to be braver and go out on my own. Mew!

4. I'm going to time the walk from the new house to school/nursery and try to take advantage of our new location on sunny days. 

5. I really must visit Teacher-Friend before Baby's birthday as they've not yet met and that's really unforgivable. A lot of situations and unfortunate circumstances have conspired against us but I also need to make more of an effort and face up to my fear of him sleeping the whole damn way to Cheltenham and ruining his routine ha ha! It's only one day. We'll be fine. 

6. Am going to implement the new rule of no iPhones upstairs at the new house. I am. Am aware this may result in Husband deciding to sleep downstairs. Small sacrifice!

7. Last thing to achieve? I'm going to walk Dog more often. Husband took over this 'errand' 3 years ago after Dog energetically defended Toddler (then Baby) against a vicious (read: elderly, defenceless) Labrador one day and pulled his brother down the lane upside down in the Maclaren in a confuddled state of protective farce. It was horrific and consequently has meant that I have only taken the pair of them out together a handful of times since. As a family it's fine. Me on my own? No thank you. So I am aware this needs work and needs work ASAP. 

There you have it. The aims for April and the little pockets of glee and excitement that will keep me energised and focussed when the going gets tough. 

Do you have a nice month ahead? Any goals to work on before Spring finally arrives?!

By jove...

...where did the week go?

I can't be arsed to tell you about the faff I had with the solicitors at the start of this week because I'm bored to tears over it now and don't feel it's fair to spread the misery. I also can't bring myself to live through it again in another telling, it was too stressful the first time. Upshot is, it's almost all over and we 'think' moving day is next Thursday. I'm not holding my breath but I'm not particularly good at playing it cool either so it's all a bit emotional over here. Emotional and messy since we're living in a house full of boxes. Yay. That's not upsetting my OCD at all. Not one jot. *sits in corner and cries.

Husband is reacting to the whole debacle by grumping about being forced to live in 'an empty, soulless house' for the next week. I am trying my damndest to ignore this stroppy attitude because his initial plan of moving ourselves made me laugh so hysterically I was also sick but also because I know who will ultimately wind up packing like a mad bastard on Wednesday night and frankly, I'd like to avoid that scenario at all costs. So if we have to choose between boxes and grumpy Husband now or chaos and even grumpier Husband then...easiest choice ever made?? You tell me!

So, let's have a little look at the list we made on Monday and assess progress. (I like lists and ticking stuff off, makes me feel still relevant and current, humour me...)

Found the packing tape in the garage out of reach and hidden behind some shite Husband was supposed to have taken to the charity shop months ago. It would appear he's been taking advantage of my dislike of garages. Bastard! Anyway, packing is back on.

Solicitor is an idiot. I'm past caring now. Need him to just literally stay alive until all the paperwork is signed and then I never have to deal with him again. Can't wait.

Easter Egg Bingo was actually lots of fun and not as mind-numbingly tedious as I'd feared. Chair is, as ever, a moron who makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a toothpick but in a few short months her tenure will be over (Posh Mama, here's looking at you for vice...!!) and we won't have to deal with her short-sighted idiocy anymore. So that keeps us all going.

Swimming lessons are still going well. Not sure how they will work in September what with starting at 4pm, the pool being 20mins away and Toddler not leaving school until 3.45pm...but I'll worry about that when I know where he'll be sleeping each night. Priorities right?

Baby's last Baby Sensory class was super cute as it was Easter themed and he was, without a doubt, the cutest damn bunny I have ever laid eyes on. Such a stunner. He promptly came home and started to cut 3 molars and has been a miserable little shit ever since. But Thursday morning was lovely!! Will be sad to stop going, and am not really sure what we're going to fill that weekly time slot with, but I know without doubt that I couldn't spend another 5/6 weeks getting my knickers in a twist about getting Baby home each Thursday without falling asleep so feel solid in my decision.

And buying one purchase from the Spring list got a little out of hand and I accidentally purchased 3. All from Boden. I blame the solicitors not knowing how to work their own fax machine?? Anyway, beautiful strappy ballet pumps, yellow and cream Breton and a grey lightweight jumper be mine. Threw 2 tops for Toddler into my online basket to appease the Mum guilt which fit him like a dream too so that helped. I will get there. I will have some semblance of style before I hit 32.

Speaking of which, there are 7 long days of Lent left and therefore 7 days until I a) can drink wine again and b) turn 32. Bloody hell. I am equal measures thrilled about this and terrified. I think 36/37 is my scary age. We can discuss why at a later date (when I've thought about it properly!)

Tomorrow is roast chicken, Baby swimming lessons and more cycling with Toddler. We took his stabilisers off today and want to continue while he is doing so well and actually moving on the damn thing instead of standing around screaming like an angry tomato every time it wobbles slightly. Praying for some sunshine so these new pumps can be christened. Have a blessed Sunday. It may well be our last one in this house...?

Happiest of Mondays!

List of things to achieve this week:

1. Find the packing tape so we can do some bloody packing. Husband had it last unsupervised. This was a folly of sorts. He hasn't put anything back in its rightful place since 1988. Balls.

2. Ring solicitor and make him answer a question, and question will do, we'd just like to know something, anything! (Update: he's off today and back tomorrow. Pah ha ha ha ha, hysterical laughing)

3. Supervise Easter Egg Bingo at school and once again put a curse on Posh Mama who somehow convinced me to sign up to be a parent helper under the guise of going to the pub for wine. Bitch!
4. Take Toddler to big boy swimming lessons, woo, he is so excited to be doing this. Woke up this morning and that was the first thing he asked about.
5. Take Baby to his very last Baby Sensory class. Damn these little ones growing up too fast :-(
6. Meet BFF for coffee and cake on Wednesday where we shall mainly sit around chuntering about how long Lent is lasting this year and how we really need to give up something less 'integral' to our day to day lives next year.
7. Ooh and I'm going to purchase one item off my Spring list. Just one. And it'll be a small one. But after 24/48hours of scouring through Kat's instagram feed (doesmybumlook40) and pinning things like a crazy bastard I finally feel like I know which direction I want to head in this year. I totally don't. But blind optimism is always comforting!!

7 aims seems like a lot. Let's see how we do...Monday, bring it!

Making a list

OK. Could rant about the latest breastfeeding debate, but I think you all know how I feel about that (in short, shut the f&ck up, feed the damn baby and move on?!) and quite frankly I've bored myself silly chuntering about it in my head all week long. Could tell you all about my thrilling and exciting weekend (Asda, swimming, Costa...wait, that's EVERY weekend at the moment!) Could regale you with our bike ride into town on Saturday morning during which Toddler sat on his bike and screamed his tits off for a solid 6 minutes about various imaginary ailments that were severely impeding his ability to pedal while Husband and I hid slightly out of view in an attempt to a) get him to fucking follow us and b) hide our hysterics. By the time he gave in and came slowly round the corner he was beet-red, covered in snot and tears and looked completely FURIOUS! He then wagged his finger and called us YOU NAUGHTY BOY, YOU NAUGHTY GUL and the hysterics turned to tears. Husband was practically on the floor bent double.
But words just wouldn't do it justice. Honest. It was hi-LA-rious.
Hmm...could post about the house again...only messing, wouldn't dare.
So have decided to get started on our Spring wardrobes, the sun has peeked its head around a cloud and, although it's still cold it is definitely brighter. The other day I went outside to the bins at 6.15pm and I could still see!!!!
First things first, you're gonna need to take a long deep soak in the bath and de-fuzz those tributes to Chewbacca you've got going on there. If your legs are going to have a hope in hell of getting any colour whatsoever this summer they're going to need a bit of help. Nothing ever got a tan from sitting out whilst wearing a carpet. Bic like mad, baby, do it!
Then comes the fun bit. You need to unpack your Spring gear, welcome it like an old friend, take inventory, decide which new pieces you're going to add into the mix and then it's pretty much a case of whacking on some coral nail varnish and BAM, you're good to go.
When I say 'unpack your Spring gear' this will mean different things to different people. I have a girlfriend in America who literally packs away her entire wardrobe at the end of Winter and Summer...then opens it up again 6 months later. Mentalist! My process for the start of Spring is a bit more 'put away my woollen gloves and roll up my trousers to bare my ankles...aaaaaand done!' That said, there are certain things you aren't going to need for the next 6 months and some things you may be using a bit more often that you have recently (ie 12 heavy jumpers and linen trousers) You get my drift.
Spring is also a funny time weather-wise, especially when you live in a country such as this where one day you can encounter 14 different types of weather all before lunch. Basically, don't pack away your scarves (as IF we WOULD!!!) and don't fold up every jumper you own in scented tissue paper for storage until September just yet (my jumpers don't ever get packed up, they just sit on the shelf stationary for that one blistering weekend in July...then they get worn again, sigh!) We live in a middle-ground type of country, it's not as easy as 'cold clothes' and 'hot clothes' so in Britain there's going to be considerable overlap.
Anyhoo, while the boys were enjoying a random piece of freezing cold sunshine in the garden earlier (idiots!) I made a quick list of staples I have already and made a start on my Spring wishlist. Ta-da...

THINGS I ALREADY OWN
Skinny jeans x 2
Bootcut jeans
Patch jeans
Denim skirt
Chinos (navy and stone)
Linen trousers (navy)

Breton tops in navy/white
1 plain tshirt
3 long vests
Silky blouses for daywear
Thin jumpers
Waterfall-esque cardigans x 2

Navy blazer
Navy gilet

400 scarves!

White and Purple Converse
Ballet pumps
Navy ankle boots
Navy daps
Navy loafers

(Am sensing a lot of navy here...do I want to mess with a good thing? I think not!)
As an aside, at this point, I must add that whatever is on your 'already in my closet' list must fit you, make you feel good and be in good nick. There is no point whatsoever buying bits and pieces to jazz up what you already own if those items make you feel fat/thin, shabby, dowdy, frumpy or worn out. Total and utter waste of time, effort and money. Send them to the charity shop and treat yourself to some new staples at the same damn time. Next do jeans for £22. Enough said!

THINGS I MIGHT SHOP FOR THIS SPRING
Breton tops in different colours (audible gasp!)

Slogan tops Flared jeans (bear with me, it's a 70s vibe going on at the min, I'm not insane I swear!)

Boyfriend turn-up jeans from Zara
A different cut of skirt of some description
Plain tshirts for a top layer
Extra vests (only have 3 and one is a size 10, think it's my sister's and it hurts!!)
Some lace-up flats aka WIT or the ones from Boden!

Some Dakota suede loafers 
A yellow scarf

An Everyday Jumper or a Tippi sweater

Huh. That list seems a lot longer than I expected. Oops! Thing is, a wishlist is full of wishes. And with two mortgages to pay for the next God knows how many months my wishes may have to wait until 2016. But it's always good to have a working list. I think it keeps me focused on my current style-thinking which encourages me to make more of an effort day to day. It also prevents me from buying as many random purchases; something about writing a list makes me feel more accountable and it's good to remember which pieces I really do have my eye on longterm (Shall I buy this pair of skinny jeans in M&S that are freakishly similar to two other pairs I already own?? Orrrrr shall I wait and put the money towards the Dakota pumps...?? It's good to have goals!!)
So there's the plan folks, the sun is coming and we must be ready. Assess your wardrobe and make a list!! Oh, and buy coral nail varnish x

He touched the butt

Remember that scene in Finding Nemo where Marlin is adamant his son mustn't swim out off the reef and investigate the nearby boat? He does so anyway, fuelled by frustration and defiance, and looks his Dad straight in the eye when he slaps his little fin on the bottom of the vessel?

That was Toddler this morning in the Waitrose cafe queue. 

Don't swing on the metal bars sweet boy. They're not meant for children to swing on, it will break or you will get hurt. (Frankly I deserve a medal just for that bit alone since I have to say it every. Damn. Time. We. Go. In!!)

Toddler, if you touch that metal shelf again we will go home. 

(Toddler assumes Nemo-esque stance, looks me square in the eye, stretches out one pudgy hand and 'slap', touches the shelf. 

Ooooooh I was so mad. Am quite proud of myself though. I didn't speak. I just stared at him, then calmly cleared our tray, returned it to the pile, took his hand (ignoring the wailing) and walked him right back to the car. 

Little bugger!! How dare he touch the butt?! 

Has been angelic since. I should bloody well think so!

What's up Wednesday

Wednesday and we're all about the happenings over here...

What we're eating: not much! Am in total moving mode so keep failing to do a massive food shop because, you know, we're moving soon. This is resulting in me opening the fridge every night at 5pm and thinking 'shit...' then cobbling together something crap for the boys, Husband getting in after 7pm, asking what's for dinner and being told 'nothing...?' and us both eating cereal on our laps at 9.30pm. This has to stop. Must buy food.

What I'm reading: shed loads of ridiculous emails from our solicitors, emails from our vendors, emails from their solicitors...inbetween these mind-numbingly boring emails I am trying to read Liane Moriarty's latest download which is called The Last Anniversary. Good, but I fear Little Lies has ruined me for all other books ever?!

What I'm reminiscing about: still on the nursery. Boo. The light green walls that hold so much emotional ammo. Can't bear it. Move on...

What I'm looking forward to: am aware this will be the most yawn-inducing post ever if I write 'moving day' so am going with, dinner tonight with the PLA girls in which I hope to get lots decided upon and sorted, followed by a run tomorrow (last night's felt amazing!) and then a playdate we have planned for Friday with 3 amazing toddler friends and their Mamas (and one token Papa!) Can Not Wait!

What I'm loving: Toddler has a brand new bright yellow rain mac. It's an absolute staple every Spring and makes my heart puff out of my chest each and every time he puts it on. Love!!

What we've been up to: Toddler started his first 'big boy' swimming lesson this week and it was a raring success. Am trying hard to not be 'pushy Mama' but am quietly convinced he's in the wrong class. I'll give them another few lessons then query it!! Other than that, not much. This week has been quieter and more home-based than last few due to the disruption of last Thursday and the subsequent problem-solving phonecalls I had to make. Sigh! On the upside, I've done a lot of laundry!

What I'm dreading: Hmm, I don't know if I have a current dread?? Need to make a doctors appointment for an issue I've had for, ooh, 4 years now? And that will be pretty pants, but I'm not dreading it so much as just putting it off due to boredom and general pregnancy-related-you-ruined-me-rage if you see what I mean?!

What I'm working on: Am pinning home decor ideas like a mad thing. And am seriously working on not wearing boots every damn day. I need some sunny days so I can crack out my converse. I genuinely think my winter boots this year will have to go in the bin soon. It's unheard of for me to get rid of shoes but after 2 winters of wearing them every single day they are almost a dead man. Sad times!

What I'm excited about: Nana, my sister and I have a weekend trip to Edinburgh planned. And Easter is coming up. And my birthday, which is doubly exciting because it lands on Easter Sunday when I CAN FINALLY DRINK ALCOHOL AGAIN!! Woo!! And then Baby will be one, which I am equal measures excited for and sad about. Boo!

What I'm watching: trying to catch the reruns of Modern Family Season 6 which I missed first time round (don't really know how, I blame our crappy TV box, grr) as it is my absolute favourite and I love it. Other than that, not much. Not a fan of the TV really.

What I'm listening to: we're still rocking 1989 in our car and have just added a brand new Jolly Phonics CD into the mix. Woo!

What I am annoyed by: the latest breastfeeding debate, which I will post properly about this week. Grr. Just grr! Also, the sad news that a man who committed suicide in a nearby city this week was goaded into jumping off a tall building by bystanders below. There are no words...

What I'm wearing today: skinny jeans, the almost dead winter boots, a tshirt underlayer and a reversible baggy sweater thing. Lots of new black eyeliner and a determined look ;-)

So that's what's happening over here this week. What's up with you?!

Poop

Husband went for a run this evening and instead of bundling Toddler off to bed when the clock struck seven I snuggled up next to him on our bed and watched just one more transformers!

Husband came home, lay down next to us and joined in the viewing. 

Little voice pipes up: Goodness me, Daddy, you smell like poo!!

Oh how I laughed 😄😄😄

Eco-Mum

HOW WE'RE SO VERY DIFFERENT 

*adopts animals like there's no tomorrow

*breastfeeds on demand. Ask her when baby M last fed and she laughs in my face then looks at me with pity and amusement

*co-sleeps

*enjoys camping 

*likes mud

*when things don't go to plan she just shrugs her shoulders. Her nursery still doesn't have blackout blinds and baby M is 15 weeks old. I'd have killed Husband long before my due date if that kind of shit happened over here. She literally just shrugs! She left mine last week and took the wrong turn, took her 95 mins to do a 45min journey. I'd have been in tears 😫

*doesn't see mess 

WAYS WE ARE KINDRED SPIRITS

*acerbic wit!

*love of shoes and red lipstick

*favourite food: jacket potatoes with cheese!!

*she has the craziest, most loveable blond toddler boy I've ever met (next to Toddler of course) The boys are kindred spirits, never mind us!

*log burner mutual appreciation

*wine. Lots of wine! 

*she is the most excellent listener and never says stupid things like 'isn't it time you got over it now, three years is enough sadness, dear' (True story, apparently there's now a time limit on grief, thank you kind random in Waitrose last weekend???)

*Bond appreciation fan club 

*equal speed texter 

*tolerates Nana

She's one of my newest friends, all shiny new and exciting. I have loved her since the day I met her, she's so genuine and hilarious, sarcastic and dippy. I'm so excited to see why we've met and what we get to teach each other. I suspect she's not a transient friend. I pray she's not a transient friend xxx 

Show and Tell Tuesday

So this is yet another new link-up I found on Shay's family blog. Basically, every Tuesday we get given a new title and have to answer in a post!

Oh yay and I've discovered it just in time for 'Tell me all about your most embarrassing moment!' Yikes!!

This is not as easy to answer as I originally thought when I first read it. At the time, I'm sure lots of things I've done have felt like the most cringe-worthy thing ever. Headbutting a friend's dog and having to go to A&E for stitches in my nose. Falling over on the stage at secondary school awards day. Standing on the nursery slopes for the first time, frozen in fear and crying hot little tears into my scarf. At the age of 21. The shame!

But in hindsight, Pfft, no biggy. Have a shocking story to tell at dinner parties, gave 200 people a good laugh and no one died, overcame the fear and now love to ski. 

And embarrassing moments didn't stop when I hit 21 and grew up. Just last week I called a gentleman Malcolm to his face through an entire dinner, his name was Graham. I slid across the main shopping centre corridor in crappy boots with no grip the other day and if I hadn't had Baby's pushchair to hold onto I'd have fallen flat on my arse. Never mind shitting yourself in labour, I have this thing called 'involuntary pushing' which, whilst incredibly handy as it means I could essentially deliver my children whilst unconscious, I sound like a fucking walrus during every contraction. Every damn time I cry it's embarrassing because I look like a hot mess and currently I cry a lot. 

But you know, it doesn't bother me. I am big enough now to laugh it off. I have enough true girlfriends around me who know who I am, what I am and I really don't care what randoms think about me anymore. Not in an arrogant way, just in a genuinely carefree way. I have a broken heart, two babies to care for, a brilliant Husband and a wonderful circle of friends. Things that used to make me want to curl up and die make me go red, have a small hot flush, then make me laugh out loud and text a girlfriend to share the shame. 

Life really is too short for embarrassment. Embrace the comedy!!

Oh holy shitstorm

Words will totally fail me for this post, as well as rile me beyond comprehension, so let me fill you in as briefly as possible. 

Thursday pm: our buyers pulled out. No reason. No warning. 

Spent 24hrs in tears. 

Friday pm: we were saved by Nana and so far, fingers crossed, God willing, it's all back on again but we inadvertently have a small property portfolio and Husband needs to become a male escort to pay the mortgages. No pressure. 

And from this we have learned two major things. 1) people are selfish careless bastards who really don't give a shit about how their actions effect other people around them. I have to trust that karma will teach them a hard lesson sooner rather than later. And 2) estate agents really are slimy two-faced pricks. Ours assured me all would be fine, she would do all she could to retain our new house, don't panic tra la la and then promptly rang up our vendors and told them to get it back on rightmove. If she doesn't sell this before we complete I'm listing it with another agent in town and she can swivel. Bitch!

Anyway, need to ensure paperwork is on mortgage guy's desk by 9am Monday but hopefully it will all be ok now. She says. Too scared to exhale. 

And in an attempt to cheer up this post I shall now list the wonderful gifts Husband and children bought for me to celebrate Mothers Day. 

Oh no. Hang on. Sigh. 

Yesterday was open day at Toddler's new school for September so we all set off to remind ourselves of what we signed him up for 2.5 years ago and officially paid for 6 months ago. Luckily, all is as we remember and things will go ahead as planned. There are things to improve, things to question and things I already know I'll argue over but on the whole I am satisfied it is the right place for him right now. We met the new Head, poor bastard hasn't got a clue what's coming his way, and introduced Toddler. Figured he may as well meet the kid who will spend most of his first year of formal education in his office 😉So they're friends which is nice. 

Now we've just got to buy his uniform at the grand cost of £185 plus extras. Feck it. Posh Mama has just taken over the uniform shop, am gonna tap her up for some discount goods!! 

Right must go, boys are about to have a fistfight over a spoon. And by that I mean Toddler and Husband (can you say 'stubborn'??)

Looking forward to my totally Mama-centric relaxing afternoon of Cars the movie with toffee popcorn and Freddo bars (apparently Husband asked him what Mama would like best and that's what Toddler replied...and Husband believed him....!) followed by a very late lunch at Yummy Mummy's house. Hazzah!!

Have a great day xx

3 pet peeves

Have woken up in a grump. Here are 3 silly little things that piss me off much more than they should:

1. People who don't hold the door for you or let you through in traffic when they've clearly seen you, are in no particular rush, have literally nowhere to go...I can't help but shout 'THANK YOU' as they walk/drive off. It's the way they deliberately avoid all eye contact. Height of rudeness. Blood boils!

2. When Husband dresses the boys in the wrong combination of top and trousers. Not only have they been known to look like complete morons but all I can focus on is the fact that tomorrow, when I get out the plain blue trousers, the top that's meant to go with it will be in the wash and therefore my entire day will be ruined. I have to take them back upstairs and change them while he's not paying attention!

3. The muzzies being folded in the wrong way. Oh god. Actually this should have been number 1. I physically can't watch Husband fold laundry. When he offers to help me in front of the TV I actually recoil in horror. Again, I have to refold them all frantically when he goes for an advert-break-cuppa. 

Do you have 3 seemingly insignificant things that make your skin crawl? Get them off your chest, maybe we'll have a better day for it!

Surely this isn't right?

Just after a second opinion really. Can't talk to Husband about it because, let's face it, any more random psychological breakdowns and he'll be having me taken away. But as the move gets closer (please God!) I keep walking into the nursery and welling up. 

I know what it is. There are two huge reasons why it is playing on my mind and I don't know what the solution is or if there even IS one?

My beloved Dad painted that nursery. He did it long before the boys were even being considered, I think it might have been the summer before we got married?, so it's not like he painted the walls with his grandbabies in mind. Well, maybe he did in a future possibility Hmm I wonder type way, but he def didn't do it knowing that Toddler was imminent. If you see what I mean?! But either way, whatever he was thinking as he painted our smallest bedroom, for some reason it is causing me no end of heartache. 

One of the biggest 'pockets' of grief that I carry around in my chest is the fact that my children are growing up without him. And equally, the fact that he is gone and not able to spend the rest of his days with them. It's cruel and it's unfair and it fills me with a rage so violent that I can't explain it. But the fact that the room Baby sleeps in, the room that Toddler spent his first two years in, was decorated for them by their Grandad brings me a weird, disconnected level of comfort. Like, it's ok you never met your Grandad, Baby because look, he painted your room and he's all around you. Like, it's not the end of the world that your Grandad was snatched away from you, Toddler because look what a beautiful sanctuary he created to keep you safe. 

All bollocks of course but sometimes you'll tell yourself anything to not drive into a ditch. 

The thought of having another baby and bringing him home to a totally different nursery, one not painted by or even seen by my Dad, fills me with some strange dread. Like they won't 'feel' his presence. I don't even know what to say to that myself since the logical part of me replies with both 'well of course he'll be present in their new bedrooms because he is everywhere...' as well as 'well he ain't there anyway you doofus, it's just some paint, so it won't make a damn difference...' It kinda depends what type of week I'm having as to which argument comes up!!

I also keep thinking of the long nights sitting in the rocker, feeding them both, singing to them both, that one eventful time that Toddler (then Baby) looked me dead in the eye and then vommed in my mouth! One of my favourite photos is Toddler (then 14hr old Baby) having his first nappy change at home on the unit while Dog sits at Husband's feet watching intently. How is it possible to leave this place, that one tiny boxroom, that holds all those memories? Some days I am so so excited to move on and make more but other days, like today, I want to sit down in the corner and cling to the walls and refuse to leave. 

I guess at the end of the day I must do what's right for my babies. And what is right for them long term is more living space, more outdoor garden space, a proper playroom, a big bedroom to share...all the things my Dad would tell me are worth the loss of a small room he once painted. 

But you know, it's still hard.

And so begins another week of mayhem...

OMG it's true. In the last couple of months we have now learned two things. Never speak of house buying because of the JINX and play it cool when heading out to dinner because then it will be an absolute hoot. What fun!

Trusty next delivery man delivered my parcel at 9am on Saturday morning (blazer, jeans, handbag, yes. Boots, a massive fuck off no!) much to Husband's confusion and consternation (mental note: always get parcels delivered when Husband is at work!) so I had my new fancy outfit all ready to go and Nana came to corral the boys into the bath while I hid in the ensuite to get ready in peace. Meal was fine, nothing terribly mind blowing but I hadn't cooked it and I didn't have to wash up the plates so as far as I was concerned it could have been a friggin' pot noodle and I'd still have wept with gratitude. But the company was wonderful. At one point I started to slur, renamed a guest Malcolm (apparently he's been called Graham since birth??) got manhandled by an ex-parent who was on the next rowdy table and almost fell asleep driving everyone home. And that was all on lemonade!! But it was a really fun time. 

Decided to celebrate my lack of hangover by tackling Ikea with Toddler and Nana this morning. Foolish. Oh so foolish. Fun though, mainly because Husband was at home with Baby because they had a swim lesson that at £13.50 could NOT be missed, so I was free to dawdle, peruse, ponder...and throw things into the trolley as my heart desired. There's something quite maverick about throwing in yet more tea lights, not having to listen to anyone sighing and tutting and also knowing what you're doing is totally illicit. Woo!

Got back just in time to watch Baby finish his swimming lesson and then drove over to the new house so that Toddler could have a first look around and see his new bedroom. It must be such a surreal concept when you're 3 years old, he keeps asking about his books and toys and where they will go on the moving truck, so I want to make him as aware and as confident with the whole process as I can without overwhelming him. He was so sweet, asking if they would like him to take his shoes off at the door! The vendors were so welcoming and delightful, I'm so grateful for their understanding and kindness towards him. They both welcomed him with open arms and asked him which room he would like to look at first, let him fuss the puppy, didn't grimace when he knocked over a photo frame. They've lived there for 15 years so to allow a tiny stranger into the home where you brought up your own babies must have been a bit awkward but not once did they show it. Isn't the world full of nice, kind people?

Nana came with us for her first nosey round and promptly cried about how much my Dad would have liked it. I can't bring myself to process that yet so had to ignore her which always makes me feel like a cow. After we were all done and dragged ourselves out of the front door again, longing to stay, we went to the local pub for celebratory, excited dinner. Please let this week be the week it all gets sorted!

And so to Monday. This week brings with it haircuts (Toddler has twice been mistaken for Wurzel Gummidge this week so a trim is waaaay overdue), emails to solicitors, baby class, yet more packing, 2 runs in my new trainers!!, and then open day at Toddler's new school for September at the weekend. Am excited to meet the new Head and introduce myself but also to allow Toddler another chance to look around the main school building and classrooms. 

Golly, if I sat and thought about it for too long I'd be worried about what effect these two massive changes are going to have on someone so small and fragile. Eeshk. May have to 'up' my prayer quota for that special little spirit 😞

Running...all the way to the bar!

God, it's finally happened. I woke up this morning all excited because I was going to buy new trainers. Have clearly had a lobotomy overnight. 

I can shop for pretty much anything mundane and enjoy it, be it household items, boring baby clothes like vests!, accessories, dog treats, jeez I can even make cleaning products into a fun experience if I need to (life of a stay at home mama, don't say a word!) But never, not ever, have I been excited about buying sports equipment. Even when I was young, free and single with a huge expendable income and seduced by those high-tec fitness centres with juice machines in the lobby did I invest in fancy pants gym gear. I just saw it as a total waste of money. And now I am clearly insane. One month of running, a surprised look at the weighing scales and the worm has turned! Who knew that inertia was the only thing between me and being slimmer? I'll make a fucking fortune when I publish this news, you watch. Exercise. Just didn't see it coming!

Anyway, last night Lawyer Mum and Yummy Mummy both spent our entire 3.5miles run telling me how inadequate my trainers were and how much of a difference new ones would make (bloody experts!) Honestly, they were so emphatic I shall be utterly disappointed if these babies don't magically make me run a marathon without breaking a sweat on Sunday afternoon!!

Feigning assistance with the boys but really just after a good laugh at my expense, Yummy Mummy took me up to the sports store where she always buys hers and made me run on a treadmill infront of a camera. Because that's not at all humiliating. Young spotty sales boy with a wealth of (2 months?) experience analysed a video of my piss poor performance and recommended some trainers for my specific 'gait'. Honest to God, this kind of shit just makes me laugh usually but today I was all smiley and noddy and interested and technical. Pfft!

Anyway, I now have new running shoes. Toddler had a wonderful, illicit time on the treadmill each time spotty sales boy went into the back room, Baby enjoyed himself chasing around a football with Yummy Mummy and we all got a Costa when I was done which frankly, is the benchmark for a successful trip out in our family's book. Funeral? Sigh. Funeral with a stop-off at Costa on the way home? Woo let me grab my LBD!

They're terribly pretty. Am concerned about mud. 

So yeah. The transformation/slip into running mania continues...

In other news we are leaving the house again. I know right? We are trying to squeeze in a date night (read: shag when one or the both of us don't fall asleep mid way through) on the last weekend of each month and we delayed February's to this weekend to go to the nursery parents' meal. Have new boots, jeans, blouse, blazer and handbag (Well, I will do if they arrive on time tomorrow from Next online, no pressure delivery man!) and am quietly excited. They say the best night out are those nights you held no preconceived notions about so am trying hard to be ambivalent and chilled in the hope that it is a total hoot! Posh Mama and her husband will be there as well as 3 other couples so am looking forward to a chat and a boogie. Without wine it's going to be hard to be my usual effervescent hilarious self but I'll give it my best shot, ha ha!

Have a great weekend whatever you're up to x

Short and sweet

Ok. It's been a busy few days so have decided to do a cryptic coded post to quickly bring you up to speed. 

Ready?

Bike ride

Costa

Roast chicken

Took Baby swimming, no one died, v proud of self!

Row with Husband

Silence

Signed contacts (wahoooooo!)

Lost my schmidt with someone from Halifax on the phone (bank, not town down south) 

Catch up natter with Bristol Mama

Errands with Toddler and Baby in which no one screamed or lay on the floor!!

PLA meeting which actually got some things decided for summer 

Admin

Chicken pie

Coffee with BFF in Waitrose

3 miles run non-stop!!

I thank you 😉