Holy smokes

It doesn't happen often, thank Christ, but every so often I have an afternoon that looks like pure chaos. Thought you'd enjoy a play by play account...

***Warning: if you don't have children yet and are thinking of adding them to your unit any time soon you may want to walk away immediately, we'll see you Friday instead!

4.15pm Walk through door from school run, everyone is happy and relaxed, the sun is shining, then out of nowhere Boy gives me a mouthful of cheek and attitude so this Mama immediately removes his screen privileges (and yes, as the words are leaving my mouth I'm already regretting them but once you've said it you have to commit...fuck!)

4.18pm Whilst Boy angrily flings his belongings into his cubby hole for tomorrow morning, lecturing me on the unfairness of my decision and my general failings as a parent, Toddler decides to practise his 'spinning' in the boot room, happily spins into a full water bowl and spills the entire contents onto the floor. Whereas normally he would apologise and grab a towel, he looks up and me, shrugs and walks out of the room. Shrieking follows (mine!)...and I have to use a bath towel to soak up the flood.

4.26pm Make a post-school snack and dogs start play-fighting at my feet. This is loud but fine...until Dog turns around, snarls at Puppy and Puppy promptly pisses all over the floor! Excellent. Second bath towel gets grabbed for piss-gate.

4.35pm Both boys now colouring at table and angrily eating their snack. Dog has stolen my slipper so am (half) barefoot and getting cold feet. Starting to get a bit cross now!

4.40pm Walk into kitchen to make a coffee. Walk back and Toddler is drawing a circle on the wooden floor with an orange felt tipped pen???!!! Toddler is carried upstairs for time out. Floor is cleaned (thank you baby wipes)

5pm Decide that the ungrateful, messy little bastards can go straight in the bath and then throw their jammies on, meaning that they will be in bed ON TIME (the dream) Husband rings from London while they are in bath but I can't hear him so cut him off and also, I realise there are no more bath towels downstairs. They take full advantage of me racing upstairs to grab some and flood the fucking bathroom floor with a water fight. As I'm racing back DOWN the stairs to them, Toddler climbs out of the bath (why you so slow, Mama??), slips on the wet floor and bumps his head. So he's crying, I'm shrieking about the fact that now a SECOND room in our home is under an inch of water and Boy pipes up with 'excuse me, but I'm getting cold here...!' I make them mop up floor with kitchen roll. Their naked bums bobbing up and down during this household chore is literally the only highlight of my entire afternoon!

5.30pm Serve them both scrambled egg on toast (benefit of Husband being away, I don't have to cook a proper dinner!) Sit opposite them at kitchen table, glaring angrily. Boy glares back. Toddler happily oblivious and keeps blowing me kisses and asking what day it is (his latest favourite question)

5.55pm Make them clear their dinner plates and wipe down the table. Wipe table second time properly. Realise I have 50 mins to fill before bed without TV. Balls. This would be fine on a good day, but after the afternoon I've just had this makes me want to weep. Consider telling them that they did such a good job wiping down the table that they've earned their screen time back...but then remember that Toddler is a little terrorist and any sign of weakness will bite me in the ass for weeks so make them choose a pile of books and hunker down for the long haul. Parenting. It ain't for the weak!

6.30pm Husband Facetimes from London to proudly announce that he's a hero who has raided the Lego store (he's only been gone 48 hours and we're drowning in bloody Lego but yay). Boy delighted. Mama has to be the bitch who says 'well, actually Daddy...' and inform him of the many, many bad choices that have been made here today. Boy goes back to glaring at me. Excellent. I quickly redirect my anger at Husband for a) not being here and b) being such a tool. He gets cut off again!

6.45pm All head upstairs, brush teeth, visit the toilet, say our prayers, tuck them in and retreat. Action packed, emotionally taxing afternoon has exhausted them too, it would appear, and they are zonko within minutes.

7.15pm All is quiet on the western front. Take dogs outside for a wee. Pour myself a large vodka and tonic. Stand at the back door and wonder if a third child is really the way to go...