21 March 2016

Too busy to blog

Last week I woke up, checked my phone and immediately wanted to curl up and die. Twitter had sent me a message to let me know I had a new follower on my blog account. A follower that I know in real life. Leeds Dad had tracked me down on the world wide tinterweb and followed me on Twitter. Now, I don't think for one minute that it was intentional, I haven't mentioned my inane online ramblings to anyone so he'd have no reason to even LOOK for a blog associated with me. I suspect it was Twitter being helpful in one of those 'here are some people you might like to follow' bollocks moves and since he and I are already following each other on Twitter it decided to 'connect' him with my other account. Le sigh.

I just froze. The thought that he might actually click on the blog link, start to read it, realise it sounded familiar, recognise the back of one of my boys' heads... I wanted to log onto my computer and delete the blog, delete every word I've ever typed, just make the whole thing go away. I felt quite wibbly and did what any sane person would do, I blocked him on Twitter and hid my phone under my pillow. Problem. Solved!

Thing is, when you write something, anything online it's quite embarrassing to think someone in your own 'real' life would actually sit and read it one day. Naive, yes, since every blog post is quite obviously public property once I've pressed 'publish' but I was just enjoying the anonymity factor at this early stage. I don't publish photos of the boys' faces and I don't mention specific locations in too much detail... I like being able to rant about idiots at the school gates without being judged or critiqued... or at least not by people I know!! (God, imagine if a school parent found the blog and recognised me, I'm starting to worry now...) Ultimately, I also write about a range of stuff, some quite personal subjects and some quite pointless and daft. I don't particularly want my nearest and dearest asking me if I've started taking anti-depressants again OR noticing how many new items of clothing I've accrued this calendar month!

Anyway, being 'busted' really knocked my confidence. All of a sudden I was aware of my 'audience' and felt like I had to be 'on form', funnier, smarter, more interesting, more polite... So again I did what any sane person would do and I didn't write anything at all!! 

Would you believe that I sat and worked on yesterday's blog post four times? This does not normally happen. Normally, I have a rough idea of what I want to write about, sit down, write it and hit 'publish' but man, yesterday was against me.

I originally started writing it on Sunday evening but then got cold feet so allowed myself to be sidetracked by laundry/snack pots/book bags/the usual evening-before-school rubbish. I told myself to save it as a draft and come back to it on Monday morning.

On Monday after the school run I thought 'ooh, I have an extra 30 minutes, I'll just finish that post now...' and bam, our friend who was coming for coffee arrived early. I exhaled and hit 'save'.

I tried again when she left. Our friend who was coming for lunch arrived early. I hit 'save'.

The friend who had come to paint our nails needed some serious TLC and a shoulder to cry on, therefore nails took an hour longer than planned and my other potential window of writing time went out the window.

After school was the first session of Easter Egg Bingo so we were home later than usual. There went the slot of writing time I sometimes squeeze in between bath and bed (otherwise known as the only time the boys are allowed to watch TV therefore certain to be comatose in the snug and not need me for 30mins!)

I just kept putting it off and putting it off. I just felt so self-conscious and silly... Which is how I find myself blogging on a Monday night at 10.30pm, sitting in the dark hoping it will afford me some secrecy. 

Apologies if my posts recently have sounded disjointed or awkward. I am trying to forget that people may read them. Please, if you are a real-life friend who has stumbled upon this tiny piece of blog world and are daft enough to stay and read its content...just don't tell me!!

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